this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
