I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
