shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
