im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
