why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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