I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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