I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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