just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize