I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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