my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
