Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
