Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
