I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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