And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
