I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
