i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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