I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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