i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
