Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize