my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
