o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
