rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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