I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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