fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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