Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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