i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
