I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
