i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
