I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's always time for handjobs
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
