My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
