Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
