summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
