Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I could make wine with my vomit
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize