My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
