new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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