i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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