I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
