did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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