she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
