I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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