dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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