The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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