It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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