i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
