miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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