My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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