your room smells of hookers.
And success
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
