Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
