You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cat gives me a boner
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
im on a boat
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