All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
