your parents love me but you hate me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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