why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
