I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize