When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
