we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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